For many people, it is God's cruel joke when their child chooses a spouse. The person the family wishes would go away, is the one that never will.
"How come you broke up with Sarah?? She was such a sweet girl and she would have fit into the family!"
Ummmm....I THINK NOT! Let's be real! You liked Sarah because your son did not care about her as much as the one he is with now. This makes you mad, jealous and ultimately feeling like someone is replacing you. When he was with Sarah, he was more attentive to the family, but now, this new one.....you barely even hear from him! She is splitting up the family....and not good enough for him!"
FACT: YOU WILL NEVER THINK ANYONE IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOUR CHILD / FAMILY MEMBER
It is not uncommon to see a huge strain between a mother and daughter- in- law. Sometimes wives will get jealous or angry because they feel disrespected by a mother-in -law who continues to interfere with everything within the relationship. This includes, telling your daughter- in -law how your son prefers his clothes, food and how to raise your future grandchildren.
"Why shouldn't I have a say in my child's life. I carried that child for 9 months, raised and struggled at times, only for my son (who is now a man) to put a new woman before me??"
These feelings are normal, however, it is time to let him go. I am not suggesting that you never see or speak to your son again, however, if you desire to remain part of his life, STAY OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP! It does not matter how you feel about his current or perspective wife, respect her and love your son enough to know that if he puts his wife before his mother, then he was raised properly by you.
MARRIAGE SHOULD ALWAYS COME FIRST
"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh (Ephesians 5:31)."
A good mother will never force her child to choose. This is never a good practice, because you, the mother, will always lose. If a mother or family member happens to succeed in breaking up a marriage.....THIS WILL COME BACK TO HAUNT THEM.
" Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. (Galatians 6:7)."
At the end of the day, that son, daughter, brother, or sister will eventually turn against YOU. The fastest way to destroy a relationship with family is by interfering. Step back and allow your loved one to make their own decisions, even if you do not agree. Rejecting a loved one's decision will bring them closer....just not to you. The marriage that was scheduled for 12 months, can quickly be moved....sooner. Continuing this pattern does two things:
- HURTS THE PERSON IN THE MIDDLE THE MOST (YOUR FAMILY)
- DESTROYS RELATIONSHIPS.....ALWAYS YOURS FIRST
It is an unrealistic expectation for people to actually believe that every single person within a family has to be best friends. It will never happen. If the person they choose fits perfectly into the family, chances are.....they married them for you. Although, we may be unaware, it is human nature for us to seek out qualities in a partner that we do not have. Some, are blessed and marry the perfect person(they are probably faking it very well or just understand respect)...but the majority, well.....I do not think I have to say anymore.
Regardless of how horrible the partner your family member has chosen, respect is required to maintain any connection. Many people do not realize that while they are busy trying to put in end to a relationship or cause drama, they are mostly hurting the person in the middle, their family. A decent person should never want to hurt their loved one.
Sadly, children become the true victims and families can be torn, for generations. But......
THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE. If you are on the receiving end, forgive them. This means developing a mutual respect. However, if you are the one who has done harm....ask for forgiveness. They will most likely forgive. But in order to reconnect you must show support of their relationship. Mistakes will always put a strain on the relationship because forgiveness does not involve trust.
If a person has shown constant disrespect towards any relationship, it will take time and effort to heal wounds. Naturally, people become very protective over their relationship and trust is never given freely the second time, it has to be earned.
Relationships will never be the same, however, if a mutual respect grows, then so will your family.
Written By: Te-Shandra Haskett, MBA
Author's Note: There is always another side. If you are trying to keep your spouse from their family because you do not like them, this will hurt your marriage. All they are required to do is respect you....and that should be good enough. Love and/or liking another person is never enough to hold any relationship together. Mutual respect encourages a lifetime of family and possibly..... A NEW FRIEND.
Please forward to anyone who has family, because if they have family, they have problems.....
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